I think it was right about the time that I was 5 years old that I remember liking the feeling of being thought of as a boy. My feelings ran the gamut through my life on this subject. When I was young before I knew what being gay meant, I really liked the idea of being mistaken for a boy. I liked to play out side, climb trees, play sports, and I distinctly remember liking to push the merry-go-round when the girls would pile on for a spin. It seems like I enjoyed making them squeal with joy as I spun them around on that faster faster faster merry-go-round.
I can remember one of my friends from kindergarten telling me when we were a little older, probably 4th or 5th grade that she remembered me from the very first day of kindergarten. She remembered that I was wearing a green pants outfit with what she remembers as cowboy boots. I don’t remember having any green pants outfit or cowboy boots, but I remember how I felt when she said she thought I was a boy. Even as a 4th or 5th grader it created this sort of beaming feeling in me from the inside. I think because it felt more like a fit for me at the time than not knowing what my confusing feelings were about having crushes on girls.
What I wonder is how does such a little kid grasp the concept of feeling confused? I guess it has to do with societal constructs. I mean at that time and in that region of the country there were no examples of being gay. I had no point of reference. All the couples I saw were male/female and the only rational thing that made sense to me was that I wanted to be a boy.
Then there was the time in my life when I was desperately tying to create and maintain the facade that I was a “normal” girl and that I liked boys. To prove my point in my social realm, even as young as 7th grade I did things with boys that only girls that liked boys would do. (I feel an apology to my mom would be appropriate right about now. I’m sorry if this is a surprise to you, Mom.)
It wasn’t until I was 17 that I actually needed birth control, but I did start messing around as early as 7th grade. It felt awful. I didn’t like the way it felt doing it. I didn’t like the feeling of rumors being spread about me by my friends, but the confusing part was, I did like the feeling of doubt being removed regarding whether or not I was “normal”. It was the weirdest conflicting situation I can ever recall. I am so glad, I mean I can’t even tell you how glad I am that those days of confusion are over.
In high school I was on the drill team, which I prefer to call the pom pom squad because we never did ANY choreographed routines with riffles or flags. All the performances we ever did were dance routines with pom poms to music. I even dated a football player. I wore an upper class man’s class ring. I wore make up and dangly ear rings. Hell! I did every single thing I thought I could do to divert all attention away from the fact that I had a huge crush on a girl, who just happened to be the captain of the “pom pom” squad.
I simply can not tell you how happy I am now to be the woman that I am. I am a woman that loves her wife. I am so blessed to live in a place and a time that accepts and embraces the love that I have for my wife. It is my sincere desire that all love is accepted and the confusion that I endured will be a distant and unfathomable memory.