You wanna know what I love???

I am focusing on what brings me pleasure, and I love to see a baby smile. I love the pure positive energy that exudes off people when they feel love. I love hearing joyous laughter. I love watching someone discover something about themselves. I love watching a two year old discover how dexterous they can be.

I find pleasure in a simple observation of someone enjoying music. I find pleasure in quiet moments watching as nature does it’s thing. I find pleasure in watching beautiful white puppy clouds drifting along in the big blue sky. I find pleasure in discovering the differant colors in a days highlights and shadows.

I love hugs. I love my cute dogs face. He is simply adorable.

I love honoring the authenticity in people. I love touching peoples lives with encouraging words. I love seeing a smile reach across someones face when I compliment them in some small way that makes their day. I love letting people know that they are loved andconsidered.

It feels so good to love, honor and be peacful. I love the way a good pen feels on good paper. I love the way my lips feel when I just put on a fresh layer of lip stuff. I love how I feel after a nice hard workout. I love Brie. I love the smooth rich taste of coffee with cream and sugar.

I love the feel of a soft comfy blanket. I love the smell of an outdoor fire. I love the crackle of a fire and the crispness in the air when it’s cool enough to build a fire. I love the sound of a river rushing by. I love the feeling of a hug. I love the buttery taste of a croissant. I love lamp.

Turning It Around

I was not able to stay at work on Tuesday of this last week. I wasn’t tracking properly. I was having a difficult time understanding what people were saying and I felt my mental acuity was dulled. I felt I wasn’t being of benefit to anyone because what one might have expected of me usually was not at all what I was able to deliver that day. It was weird. It was kinda like my brain,… was in a way telling me to take a rest.

So, I went home. I took another shower. It had only been 5 hours since my 1st shower of the day, but I said aloud to myself as I looked at myself in the mirror, “Let’s try this again. Wash the first part of this day away.”

I decided since I was going to be taking a day for myself I would take myself to the DMV and update my drivers licence to my new name. I am officially Angel Rene Zamudio. A tiny little secret about the author of Apozitude, my birth name was Angela Rene Zamudio. No offense to my mom and dad, but I just never felt like an Angela. I have ALWAYS gone by Angel and I just wanted it to be official. I want all my doctors to call me Angel. I want everyone in every situation to be clear on the fact that I am Angel not Angela and it is now legal and official. It feels so good.

Doing this on that day when I felt I wasn’t a benefit to anyone totally turned my whole day around. I went to the social security office after the DMV and it took me maybe 5-7 minutes to apply for a replacement SS card. I was so happy at that point I couldn’t decide what to do. I thought I’d go to a coffee shop and write but it didn’t feel right. I was hesitant to go home because the house was empty, but I just didn’t know what to do, so I headed in the direction of home. At a light I noticed Keri had sent me a text, “call me when you can”. I pulled over and called.

Guess what!!! She called Judy, the breeder we got Waffles from 12 years ago and Judy has two mommy dogs that are expecting to deliver in October. That means we will have a puppy by Christmas time and that puppy will be a blood relative to Waffles. We are so excited and it feels so good to focus on something that brings us both so much joy. If it feels good focus on it more.

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Process of Healing

I can not lie and I have to admit that when I got home from work last week, I looked for Waffles. I looked for him every time I got out of bed, so I wouldn’t step on him. I think about him every time I open a baby bell cheese or anything else that crinkles, like seaweed snacks, potato chips and crackers. I think about him when I drive past places we walked which was all over the place, because he liked to sniff out new places and he enjoyed seeing new paths. So, we took him everywhere.

I had been keeping all of this to myself because I didn’t want to upset Keri. I wondered if sharing these things with her would be upsetting or comforting? The thing is it seems I loved that Waffles Bear more than I realized. It seems like I would know how much I love him, but loosing him makes it very clear and it hurts sometimes to talk about him and I don’t wanna hurt. I have a feeling that Keri doesn’t want to hurt anymore either, because I noticed one day last week that she had taken all but one of his pictures off the fridge.

The house feels so different without his bed at the base of my chair, without his food bowls in the kitchen, without his couch covered in his blanket and no babies strewn about the floor. I do miss him so very much and with tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart I know with every fiber of my being that he is in a much better place. I know he has relief from the body that was failing him. His eyes were sharp and clear until the last hours of his life. He was tired and his body could no longer do the things he loved so much.

I did talk to Keri about my feelings and these tugs on my heart and it turned out to be of comfort to her. She told me I didn’t have to be the strong one and we both are going through this process. We are graciously allowing each other the space we need to process in our own ways.

Life Instructions or destructions

So if you are an avid Apozitude reader you noticed there was a blog this week that came straight from my journal dated 12-14-08. Well upon reviewing that journal I stumbled across another journal entry that I’d like to share. It’s a little more jumbled, so I thought I’d rewrite it a little clearer for you here. I’ve written about this before, but not from this perspective.

Back in 2008 I was suffering with very bad back pain and going to great lengths to relieve my pain. Chiropractic treatments, acupuncture, yoga, Chinese herbs, muscle relaxers, hot baths, ice packs and smoking pot. Nothing seemed to be working for any prolonged length of time. I would find short periods of relief, but nothing lasting.

I had doubts about going to the doctor because I had been told, “Back pain is very mysterious and difficult to diagnose and treat”. I didn’t want to live out the rest of my life on pain killers and muscle relaxers. After crying and feeling like I was at the end of my rope I started asking myself, “What am I supposed to learn from this back pain?” and as if words floated into my mind on a soft pillowy cloud I thought. Acceptance is the key.

Quickly my mind asked another question, “The key? The key to what?”. Just as soft and airy as before I received this answer, Acceptance is the key to the lock. Again, eager to know my mind asked, “What lock?” The calm gentle voice answered, The lock is anything. Then as if knowledge was pouring over me I thought Acceptance is the key to the lock that holds the pain inside me. Well, now that I know what is the key is what do I do? A little firmer this time the voice said, Use it. Use the key “acceptance” to unlock the pain. Accept the pain to get beyond it.

I remember sitting in my chair crying and imagining myself embracing the tremendous pain I was feeling and I was not about to let go of that embrace until I felt certain I was ready to release it. I wanted to totally embrace it and totally accept it. I wanted nothing else to do with that pain. If it is true that acceptance is the key it seems then that acceptance is the key that sets you free. Free from fear. Free from pain. Freedom to move on. Freedom to courageously take positive action.

It is happening exactly the way I’ve been reading it would happen. It’s as if I woke up and KNOW the truths that I’ve been reading about. The truth is exactly where they have been claiming it would be; right there the whole time. All you have to do is open your eyes and remove the veil that covers everything that is real.

The veil is a filter. While you are under the veil, you can hear the truth, but can not know the truth until you see the truth. Once you see the truth you can live the truth. The funny thing about the veil is you don’t even realize you are wearing it, until one day you wake up and magically become aware. It seems you have heard something somewhere along the way about a veil, but you’ve never seen it. Therefore, you don’t even know it exists. You think you see things clearly because you hear all the words that point you in the direction of love, freedom and peace, but for some reason you are unable to attain these things in your life.

The abscence of desired circumstances in your life is because the true path is distorted by the veil. The veil is made of false pretense and until you care enough about how you feel, your life will remain in this realm of manifesting unwanted things. So, to recap, accpetance is the key. When you accept things as they are you release the resistance and create space for clarity to move in. There you go, that’s the secret. Now go practice and keep practicing until you’re done or don’t it’s ALL up to you.

He’ll be 24 in October. WOW!

Right out of my journal from 12-14-08
Well, I got older since I wrote last. Generally speaking that happens every time, right? Every time I write I’m older than the last time I wrote. Aging doesn’t really bother me. I feel young, I am young. This is not one of those, “Say it till you believe it” things. I really am young. I really do feel young. I am discovering who I am. I know a great deal about myself.

Recently, I’ve been thinking and processing my idea of who I am in relationship to Garrison. I’ve been reading a book that is for men called, Mothers, Sons and Lovers. The premiss is how a man’s relationship with his mom affects all other relationships. I’ve not read a great deal of the book, but what I have gleaned so far is that I’ve done the best I could do with the tools that I have. I feel like I did the right thing by not allowing Garrison to move in with his dad until he was older and really he made the decision to move all on his own, which I see as a really great thing.

Garrison felt he needed something different from his life than what he was getting here in Oregon with Keri and I and he made the decision for his his life. That is a brave thing to do for a 16-year-old young man. Good for him! I always told him, “This is your life and you have to live it your own way” and that is exactly what he is doing.

I can’t teach what I don’t know, so I taught what I do know. I used some of the tools my mom gave me and some I didn’t find useful, he will do the same. The main thing regarding Garrison is I want him to be happy and true to himself. If true to himself is in Oklahoma then I support it and I mean that sincerely. I had to be true to myself and move to Oregon which is away from my mom. Being true to myself and moving wasn’t about getting away from my mom, it just happened to work out that way. It’s so much easier for me to be the mom that I am when I reflect on myself at Garrison’s age. I have Keri to thank for that perspective.

I asked my mom recently how long it took for us to become “friends” she thought the easy flow didn’t come until late to mid 30s. I believe it will be different for Garrison and I. I’m not sure how it will pan out, but I trust that we will be close. As close as we want, while remaining true to ourselves and whatever kind of relationship comes out of a mom and a son being true to themselves delivers is the kind of relationship we will have. For now and for always I will let it be. I feel like I have raised him with the idea in mind that he is not responsible for my happiness or my emotional stability. I was I was responsible for him when he was young, but he is taking over that job now and he will do his best.

I had an “aha moment” right before my birthday as I was wondering if he would call or contact me and I decided I’d have a happy birthday whether he contacted me or not because my happiness doesn’t depend on him, it depends on me. The sweet boy sent me a text. What a great gift from him, just the thought of me and follow through with contact. “Everything is unfloding in it’s perfect time and I’m enjoying where I am now in relationship to where I’m going. Content where I am, and eager for more” I have a great deal more to learning and I’m eager for more.

Until we meet again, my sweet

Ebbing and flowing between my knowing and my feelings of loss. I am happy for my puppy and his path of least resistance. He is getting his upgrade today. He is re-emerging into non-physical and will claim a fresh new puppy body, so that he may rejoin all of the things he loves best. Chasing the ball, running on the beach, hiking a new trail, sniffing out new adventures.

We will summon the best of you into our new furry friend. Safe travels Waffles Bear, our sweet golden boy.

Think Again, Sir

OMG!!!! Keri is so hilarious sometimes. This weekend when we were coming home from the Farmer’s Market, Nicki Minaj’s cover of Baby Got Back was on the radio. Sir Mix-a-lot sang his part about, “my anaconda don’t want some unless you’ve got buns hon” and Keri said, I don’t really want to be thinking about his anaconda and let’s just be honest, it’s probably more like a garter snake. right?

Oh Lord! She cracks me up. We have so much fun together and it just keeps getting better and better. I sure do love my wife.

No Half Assed Meditation Here.

Throughout my life I have sort of been a half-assed meditator, meaning I would meditate when I was stressed, angry or upset. I have had some amazing paradigm shifts in my life as a result of mediation in those times of distress. I can remember shifting beyond caring about what a bully in my life thought and then reveling with delight to myself when that particular person made another attempt to bully me. What a sense of relief to move past such a consuming feeling of being small and inconsequential. I felt as if I grew 6 feet that day.

In other times of extreme pain, I’ve meditated to get beyond it and it worked. I’m not saying the meditation took away the pain completely, but it certainly did take the edge off. Ultimately, though, meditation did take away the pain because the clarity I gained from being so focused, opened my mind to the idea that I had choices. I could choose different doctors with different philosophies and receive more intuitive care. The intuitive care lead to resolution, so I would be completely remiss to not credit the mediation at all. Don’t you think?

Anyway the point is if meditation could assist me in such times of pain or mistreatment, why was I not utilizing this amazing tool when things were going well? Doesn’t it make sense if things are shitty and you want them to be better, meditate? Well, why not meditate when things are going well to create opportunity for something amazing?

Well guess what!!! Things were going well and Keri said she wanted to start meditating 15 minutes a day and I said, Hell yes! Me too. As a result the most amazing things are happening in my life. My car accident that lead me to believe that my little silver bullet was going to be totaled has been restored and returned to me. I am feeling tremendous love and adoration for my wife, not that I wasn’t before, it’s just going so well, I thought I’d mention it. :) I am feeling a sense of fulfillment in my job as a manager at the dental office that I am truly enjoying my work. My blog is growing and reaching more people, which is leading to my dreams coming true.

I am surrounded by random amazing strangers who really aren’t strange at all. Like the Orgonite gifter I wrote about in my Happy Father’s Day post and Jonna the amazing shoe sharer from my, It’s just the way I see it post. Then there’s the amazing dude named Ed that delivers a dose of true connection every time he frequents my office to keep our textiles fresh. We mustn’t forget David from the Shimmering Pools of Butter post.

Today I had the pleasure of meeting Isaac. He came by today to repair our garage door. The spring broke, so the opener would not work and he fixed it. Thank you Isaac for the door and the true connection.

I simply can not even tell you all of the big and small amazing things that have been coming up in my life. They are too numerous to mention them all, but let’s just say that I have come to believe that meditation is a life changer. It’s kinda like this, when you begin meditation and clear your mind of the static and clutter, it creates space for divine wisdom. Guidance. Intuition.

I am grateful for my knowing.

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