Moved to Tears

Not a single person on this Earth can claim perfection. We’ve ALL made mistakes and when we do, we hope our mistakes will be forgiven. We hope for the kindness of others and that we will be granted mercy. We do our very best to learn from our mistakes. We move on with our lives and take our lessons with us in hopes that we will make better choices. 
I’m not claiming we should empty the prisons and let all of the people who’ve committed crimes go free, but I am suggesting that we think about “these people” as fellow human beings. Wether we like to believe it or not, we are ALL created the same way with the love and the light of a Being greater than ourselves shinning within us. 

 

Could my light shine brighter? Yes. Can anyone answer that question any differently? 
I’m merely suggesting that we consider our fellow human beings with same level of compassion we hope will be granted to us when we make mistakes. I understand there are different levels of “mistakes” and all kinds of circumstances, I’m just asking that we do our best to consider each other with compassion.
Please click the link and see why I was moved to write this blog. https://www.ted.com/talks/the_lady_lifers_a_moving_song_from_women_in_prison_for_life

I’ve Got Skills

There’s a saying that goes a little something like this, “Sometimes, simply by sitting, the soul collects wisdom”. I don’t know about you and the contents of your daily life, but sometimes, I find the act of “sitting and collecting wisdom” to be a bit more challenging than simple.
Perhaps, it would help if the act of sitting and collecting wisdom had a skill level setting, like my backgammon app. where I can choose a suitable level of difficulty depending on my day: EASY, MED, HARD. Some days collecting wisdom is more challenging because our clarity can be blurred by the distractions of life and that’s exactly why it’s so very important to me to live my life poised with purpose.
It is my daily intention to maintain my inner happiness regardless of the exterior conditions. I’m so grateful to be aware of my reset button. It gets easier and easier the more I practice.  
Breathe deep and refocus.  

 

She’s Basking in the Glow of Clarity

Words are just words and often pale in comparison when used to describe a feeling, especially a feeling such as the feeling I experienced this weekend during a phone conversation with my dear sweet Momma.
I am moved to tears even as I type these very words.
Our family is like every other family you have ever encountered. Dreamy and seemingly perfect from the outside. Even from the inside there were dreamy and perfect times, but just like every family everywhere, we were a family made up of humans, who were guess what. Flawed in our own special way.
My Momma and Daddy had a fairytale marriage to hear them describe it. Daddy was Momma’s Knight in shinning armor. Momma’s hero, who had whisked his way into her life and rescued her from a childhood of abandonment, confusion and emptiness. Daddy’s love for her made her feel special. He saw in her the real woman she could not see in herself. His love lifted her up. Their love blessed them with a single child, who they believed was delivered directly to them from God. A true blessing to hear either of them speak of me. So, they named me Angel.
Lord have Mercy, I’m just a person. :) LOL. I understand though, I have a true blessing of my own.
Anyway, this fairy tale relationship my parents spoke to me about so many times over the years was stripped from them by the dehumanizing effects of the Viet Nam War on my dad. Shortly after he returned from his service with the Marines, they divorced. The love they shared would never be matched. My mom never remarried and even though my dad did remarry a couple of times, I saw a love in him that he always carried for her.
Even in my adult life they both spoke to me individually about a reunion and the hopes they had that their relationship could be rekindled. They remained the closest of friends through their lives, but something just wasn’t quite right.
I believe my mom wanted the relationship just as much as my dad did and he pursued her, but she knew in her heart of hearts that for their relationship to work they needed to address some of their incompleteness. She was not willing to sacrifice her journey to heal herself for a relationship that she thought might mask her incompleteness.
In 2006 when my daddy died it broke my mom’s heart all over again, but it did not stop her on her tenacious journey to heal herself. This weekend when I called her at her request, she uttered the most joyous words I have ever heard.
As I said before, words are just words and often pale in comparison when used to describe feelings, especially feelings of elation. The words probably won’t mean much to anyone else, but what she said to me was that she has finally come to terms with the fact that she is the only person responsible for her own happiness. This is paraphrased, of course, and a summary of   our 45 min. conversation, but to quote my dad, “tears of joy” streamed down my face.
My mom has found the freedom to love herself. She has set herself free from the bondage of fear and uncertainty because she has found clarity. I have never been so happy and proud of my little momma. In the past, I would have worried a writing such as this would upset her, by sharing the private details of her life and now with certainty I proudly recount her victories.
Go, Momma! Go!!!       

 

All is Well

 

 I wish I knew where I found this little newspaper clipping. I think it was on Facebook, but I honestly don’t remember. All I know is that the words of this little clipping perfectly describe exactly how I feel about death.

It really is nothing. The reason I feel this way is because of the amazing experiences I have had with my dad and how close I have felt to him since he died in Jan 2006.
I was very sad at first, because I didn’t understand at all that he wasn’t really gone. His physical being was gone, of course, but it took me a little while to realize I had more access to him now that he’s not limited to his physical being. His quirky sense of humor is still alive and well, swirling around in the realm of eternal spiritual beingness. 
I feel so much more connected to him now than I did when he was alive. I can feel his eternal spiritual being is with me any time I think of him. I have so strongly felt his love recently that it’s brought me to tears. Tears of joy, he so often would clarify. 
To anyone who has lost a loved one and is grappling with feelings of sadness associated with loss, please know I understand. I have been in a very similar place and I know it is challenging because you’re not accustomed to the new realm in which your loved one dwells, but I assure you that the spirit energy of your loved one lives on. Energy never dies and one day when you’ve come to terms with your new situation, you’ll think of your loved one and feel a peculiar familiarity. 
Then you too will know what I’ve come to know, they were there with you all the while.             

As WE Are

I’ve been searching my entire life for a sense of being, a feeling of belonging and sense of peace and contentment. 
I’ve searched high and low. I’ve turned over every rock in my yard. I’ve even looked under rocks  in other people’s yards looking for something. Something to fill me up and make me whole. 
I searched outside myself for what felt like many years through numerous churches. Asking all kinds of questions. I’ve been in and out of counseling since I can remember. I’ve read a multitude of self help books and attended several self help work shops. I’ve attended 12 step programs for things I “thought” I was afflicted with and do you know what I’ve concluded through all this searching?
I’m just fine exactly as I am. 
I found my sense of being right here within myself. I belong to me! I am my own True North. The feeling of belonging I have with myself and my connection to Ultimate Creative Source provides me with a sense of peace that passes all understanding. I’m content where I am and I’m eager for more. 
I’m sharing this today because I think we’re ALL searching. Perhaps sharing my vulnerabilities and discoveries just might be the light switch one of you may need today to realize you are just fine exactly as you are.     

       

Directions from Current Location

Sometimes I have no idea where to begin, so I put on my headphones, close my eyes and sit quietly. While sitting quietly with my eyes closed, I begin the task of calming the stormy waters. I pretend that all the incessant thoughts, worries and concerns are bits of weather disturbing the surface of my ocean.
When I begin and the thoughts are keeping my mind turning and stirring, I imagine the ocean in a storm. The sky is dark and full of clouds. The waves are rocking and rolling. The wind is blowing and rain is beating down. This doesn’t represent the calm I am seeking, but it’s kinda like my map app in that it gives me my current location and provides direction to my desired destination.

 

As I begin my journey to clear my mind of nagging thoughts, I taper the winds off and the clouds begin to drift away and break apart. I slow the rain into a light refreshing sprinkle and then bits of blue sky start peering out as the clouds are opening up. The waves are calming.

Suddenly, my mind is a clear blue ocean on a warm sunny day with a cool gentle breeze. I have arrived at my desired destination. 

 

Being ME

I don’t wanna be the me you think I “should” be. I am my very own person. I don’t wanna be the me I think you want me to be. I just want to be me. I don’t care if you think I’m weird. I AM weird. I’m one of those weird people. I have fun. I’m impetuous. I follow my instinct and I do what feels right to me.

   

This is the first time in my life I’ve been this comfortable being me. I have kneaded the clay of my being and sculpted myself into various versions of myself. I’ve felt the discomfort of shaping myself into being what I thought would please others.

 

We all have.

  

I’ve decided to set aside my sculpting tools because I am happy with the clump of clay I’ve turned out to be. There’s a saying that comes to mind, One man’s junk is another man’s treasure and I’d like to say I’ve never thought of myself as junk, but that wouldn’t be true. There have been some dark times in the past when I thought it might just be better to cast this one aside. But I’m still here and I’m so glad that I am. 

  

I am my own treasure and I have every reason to be.          

I Can Lift Me UP

There are a good number of things I’m pretty good at doing, but I’d have to say my favorite things are giving hugs, expressing love, lifting the spirits of others and just plain ‘ol having fun.

I will go to what some may perceive as extreme lengths to have fun, but for me it’s as simple as following an instinct. I get excited, I do a high kick. I don’t care about seeming foolish. I care about having fun. I pretend ALL THE TIME, because it’s fun. I see a tree that’s been struck down by lightening. What do I do? I walk up to it and pose beneath it as if I am supporting it, just for the fun of it. 

 I’ve been known to ask men with a nice beards, if I could feel their beards. I don’t even think about it, but I do ask. I’ve even asked a waiter dude once if I could feel his earlobes, just because they looked so soft and fuzzy. I love earlobes. They’re always so soft and fuzzy ones are a rare find when you’re married to a woman. At least I’d hope so.

 

I see a friend who seems a bit low, I approach cautiously and see if they’d like a hug. Most important in this situation is to respect their answer, just because I mostly want hugs when I’m feeling low doesn’t mean that’s the case for everyone else. I love to be a support to the people around me. There is perfection and beauty in each and every one of us, when we are feeling low our vision of our perfection and beauty is blurred by doubt, fear or any number of other disconnected feelings. What I love doing is shining a light on that part of ourselves that knows we are all here doing the very best that we can. 
Everyone’s best is different. I’m ok where I am and you’re ok where you are. I accept you as you are, you can accept me if you choose to or not, in either case I’ll be right here where I am having a grand ‘ol time because I have every reason to be happy.

 

 

I’m Watching

One of my all time favorite things to do on the weekend is to get up early, like when the sun is just coming up, birds are chirping and mostly people are still sleeping. I like to sit in the still quiet morning air with a delicious cup of coffee and feel the morning air.
It feels like I am sitting down with simplicity, it feels like peace. My mind goes blank as I listen to the birds and watch them hop around living their lives. They flap their little wings and peck at what they suspect might be food.  
I love to watch the birds approach a tiny little branch and then land on it. I love the balance of the bird and the bowing and swaying of the branch. It’s really cool when a bird lands on a really tall piece of grass. It’s amazing to me that a blade of grass can hold the weight of a bird. I’m talkin’ rather large grass, but amazing none the less. 
We live in a world full of miracles. I love being still and watching. 

  

 I intended this blog to be about my yummy coffee, but inspiration took me somewhere else. Isn’t it interesting how IN-SPIRIT-ATION directed me towards such a peaceful message. I love being connected.