Yes, I said Dangly Ear Rings and Pom Poms

I think it was right about the time that I was 5 years old that I remember liking the feeling of being thought of as a boy. My feelings ran the gamut through my life on this subject. When I was young before I knew what being gay meant, I really liked the idea of being mistaken for a boy. I liked to play out side, climb trees, play sports, and I distinctly remember liking to push the merry-go-round when the girls would pile on for a spin. It seems like I enjoyed making them squeal with joy as I spun them around on that faster faster faster merry-go-round.

I can remember one of my friends from kindergarten telling me when we were a little older, probably 4th or 5th grade that she remembered me from the very first day of kindergarten. She remembered that I was wearing a green pants outfit with what she remembers as cowboy boots. I don’t remember having any green pants outfit or cowboy boots, but I remember how I felt when she said she thought I was a boy. Even as a 4th or 5th grader it created this sort of beaming feeling in me from the inside. I think because it felt more like a fit for me at the time than not knowing what my confusing feelings were about having crushes on girls.

What I wonder is how does such a little kid grasp the concept of feeling confused? I guess it has to do with societal constructs. I mean at that time and in that region of the country there were no examples of being gay. I had no point of reference. All the couples I saw were male/female and the only rational thing that made sense to me was that I wanted to be a boy.

Then there was the time in my life when I was desperately tying to create and maintain the facade that I was a “normal” girl and that I liked boys. To prove my point in my social realm, even as young as 7th grade I did things with boys that only girls that liked boys would do. (I feel an apology to my mom would be appropriate right about now. I’m sorry if this is a surprise to you, Mom.)

It wasn’t until I was 17 that I actually needed birth control, but I did start messing around as early as 7th grade. It felt awful. I didn’t like the way it felt doing it. I didn’t like the feeling of rumors being spread about me by my friends, but the confusing part was, I did like the feeling of doubt being removed regarding whether or not I was “normal”. It was the weirdest conflicting situation I can ever recall. I am so glad, I mean I can’t even tell you how glad I am that those days of confusion are over.

In high school I was on the drill team, which I prefer to call the pom pom squad because we never did ANY choreographed routines with riffles or flags. All the performances we ever did were dance routines with pom poms to music. I even dated a football player. I wore an upper class man’s class ring. I wore make up and dangly ear rings. Hell! I did every single thing I thought I could do to divert all attention away from the fact that I had a huge crush on a girl, who just happened to be the captain of the “pom pom” squad.

I simply can not tell you how happy I am now to be the woman that I am. I am a woman that loves her wife. I am so blessed to live in a place and a time that accepts and embraces the love that I have for my wife. It is my sincere desire that all love is accepted and the confusion that I endured will be a distant and unfathomable memory.

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My Vow, My Quest

As a person that works with people it is my fervent effort to keep at the forefront of my mind that it is NOT what I do that will make the strongest impression, rather it is the feeling people have as they share time with me and what they carry with them as they depart into their day. The best way I know to have an amazing and transcendent impression on someone is to be very focused on keeping myself in a happy place. I can choose to let go of any little annoyance and I have the power to focus on what pleases me.

I have a little post-it note up at my desk that reads, “I vow to offer the best of myself today”. The thing for me to remember is to be easy on myself. My best will vary from day to day, even moment to moment, as I have encounters with people and process and deal with those experiences.

I am the only one that can determine how important is it to me to be happy. I like having fun. I like feeling love. I like being real with people. I enjoy my exuberance for life. It may be too much for some, but it’s the perfect amount for me and it seems to be working just fine for me.

So, when given the choice, which is every single time, I will do my best to ignore annoyances and focus on things that please me. It’s one coin and there will always be two sides. My quest, find the good.

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Freedom Project

The other day I was on my way to work and this soothing reassuring feeling came over me and the words that ran through my mind went like this, “Today is full of opportunities. Every opportunity that I’m faced with today has two options. One that supports my intention to feel good and one that doesn’t. Today it is my intention to choose the best feeling thought, action or response that assists me with my long term alignment.”

I practice everyday placing purposeful intention towards the best feeling situation, because I know that like energy attracts like energy. I want the best of the best that life has to offer. I’m not perfect and I have my trips and slips, but with practice the recovery time is much shorter than it used to be. This pleases me.

I wanted to share an amazing conversation I had the opportunity to participate in other day. I was chatting on the phone and a friend of mine was telling me that she was going through a divorce. I asked her how she was doing and she laughed a bit and said, “I am just enjoying the process of my freedom project”.

I asked her if it was ok for me to share this in my blog because I really liked the perspective she was choosing. Divorce is difficult in the best of circumstances, but to be seeing this event in her life as a “Freedom Project” was very moving and yet another perfect example of making a choice to place purposeful intention towards the best feeling thing in that situation.

What ever the question, LOVE is the answer. Weather it is self love or love for another, love will always feel good.

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Simple Kind of Man

I was sitting in a little pub this last week doing a little bit of writing while I was waiting for Keri to get off work. I had my headphones on, as I always do when I am writing, to assist with keeping me focused. I tend to be more people oriented than task oriented. I have to wear my headphones to mask the sound of voices, so I can pretend I am in my own little world. Otherwise, I would never be able to keep myself from participating in conversations. I even wear them at home.

Anyway, that was a little bit of a bunny trail, because what I intended to write about is the fact that even with my headphones on I happen to notice a song playing in the pub. It was Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Simple Kind of Man. I’m not really a Skynyrd fan and I couldn’t even tell you off the top of my head another song by this group (Keri interjects, “Really, how about Free Bird”). So, why did I notice this song? Well, that’s what I am just about to tell you.

Several years back there actually was a time when more phone calls went to cell phones than text messages. It’s true!!! Remember???? and we wanted to know exactly who was calling, so we assigned certain songs to certain people, so when that song played through our phones we knew who was calling. Well, I discovered that the song my son, Garrison, assigned to me was Simple Kind of Man. I had not heard, rather did not remember ever hearing this song. It certainly was not familiar to me. I don’t remember inquiring too much about the song at the time, the information just sort of got filed away in my mind, perhaps because I wasn’t familiar,… I’m not really sure.

For some reason the other day when I heard it in that pub, it kinda stuck out and I jotted the title down in my notes. I asked Keri about the song later in the day and she gave me her perception of the song and it touched me deeper. I thought to myself how touching that my teenage son, at the time, would choose this song as his ring tone for me.

I came home and looked up the song on YouTube. I have listened to it about 5 or 12 times and it gives me cold chills every single time. I’ve listened to it on repeat as I write this blog. I love my son so much and it touches my heart deeply to know that he paid attention to the heartfelt talks we had in an attempt on my part to gently guide him into a happy self sufficient positively contributing member of society. It was my intention throughout his life to share with him in a myriad of ways this message, “I am your momma and you are my son. It’s true that I’m older than you, but that doesn’t mean I always know what is best for you. Before you are my son, you are your own person and this is your life. You have to live it your way. I won’t always agree with your decisions, but that will never stop me from loving you”.

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Wear Your Kindness on the Outside

You never know when you might come across someone who is right in the perfect place to receive the blessing of your kindness. I stopped by the gas station down the street from my house last week to fill up. I went to this particular gas station because I wanted to check in on a guy I met there the last time I got gas.

Not this most recent time, but the previous time, I pulled in and rolled down my window to discover this sweet faced scruffy haired man with what looked like a bite right through his bottom lip. Being the curious sort that I am, I asked him, “Oh Man!!! What happened to your lip?” and without a second thought he told me about his seizure disorder.

He recently had a grand mal seizure and bit down on his bottom lip, almost all the way through. I cringed a bit and said, “Oh geez! I am so sorry. That looks really painful. I have a seizure disorder too and I have never had that happen”. He was very sweet and open about his condition as was I and I told him I sincerely hoped he found the right combination of meds to get control. He thanked me and I went on my way.

I have thought about him often ever since. When I pass the gas station I look for him because when someone has a seizure disorder and their condition isn’t under control you just never know what might happen. Nobody is promised tomorrow and a seizure disorder kinda increases your odds, ya know?

When I realized I needed gas I knew exactly where I was going. My hope was that he would be working that day and as luck would have it, he was there. I pulled up to the pump, rolled down my window, turned the radio down and made my request for a fill up. He said, “Coming right up”.

Once he started pumping the gas he turned away from the car and I checked to insure I was the only car there and then poked my head out the window. I said, ” I think of you every time I drive by here” with a friendly smile. He spun around and tilted his head in a inquisitive manner and gestured towards himself as he clarified, “You mean the station or me specifically?” I let him know it was him specifically and reminded him about our conversation.

He updated me on his seizure activity and said, “Every day I wake up, I just keep coming to work and try to focus on the good in my life”. I took that as the perfect opportunity to let him know about this blog. I gave him one of my cards and explained what Apozitude was about and he shared some other challenges with me that I will respectfully keep to myself. I told him to keep his chin up, not in those exact words, but to remember that more people than he realizes are pulling for him. He told me he has heard some pretty amazing things and that the big guy upstairs was good to him.

I hope he looks up this blog and sees that he has touched someones life.

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Yup, It was the Chicken Pillow

I don’t know if any of you have ever encountered this situation, but I thought I’d share just in case anyone else has had this perplexing experience. I feel fine, actually I feel great. I have lots of energy and feel an overall exuberance for life. I dance through my days and generally have fun every day. However, when I go to bed, all of a sudden I get a stuffed up nose. I’m not able to breath through my nose at all and I start sneezing quite a bit.

I wake up with puffy eyes, a very dry mouth (from mouth breathing all night) and completely clogged up. The last time this was happening to me I discovered I was either allergic to or severely sensitive to my pillow. It was a down pillow, but I not so affectionately referred to it as my chicken pillow.

The pokey end of the feathers would stick out and poke me in the uber sensitive parts of my neck, like right behind my ear, and I would just hunt for the pokey end and pull that sucker right out. It was often the middle of the night, so I would just throw it on the floor. Some times I’d set it on my night stand, but for real it was a feather, so it inevitably it would end up on the floor anyway.

I finally went to my naturopath and he suggested that I “cook” my pillows. What? You want me to do what to my pillows? He suspected I wouldn’t know what he was talking about and my facial expression confirmed his suspicion, so he quickly suggested placing the pillows in the dryer on the highest heat available for about 30 minutes.

OK, but why? Why? Oh, to kill dust mites. Ewe! WARNING!!! DO NOT GOOGLE DUST MITES!!!! It will creep you out. There, now, I am not responsible if you get a wild hair and decide to look it up anyway. That shit is on you, cuz I warned you. Just know that I’m still trying to shake the heebie-geebies from looking it up myself for this blog. Ewe.

You don’t have to look up dust mites to start cooking your pillows. You could simply trust me and start cooking your pillows today and be free of congestion, sneezing and puffy eyes caused by these little buggers. Oh and I should also mention that I no longer have a chicken pillow, more commonly known as a down pillow. I switched to a hypoallergenic pillow. Ahhhh, much better.

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The Dangers of Going Girlie

How come nobody warned me? Why didn’t someone take me aside and give me a slight indication? I really had no idea that going girlie would have hazards to my health. What? You didn’t know either? Wow! I am really glad to be able to offer this information.

One of the possible dangers of getting girlie is when you let your hair grow out you might be inclined to twirl your hair. You may think this is a harmless act, however prolonged hair twirling can create an achy shoulder, elbow, forearm and hand. Obviously, I have a hair twirling problem.

My massage therapist asked me this last week, “What’s going on with your left shoulder?”. I admitted to her that I hadn’t quit twirling my hair. “What?”, she exclaimed, “What am I doing here? I am trying to help heal your muscles and you haven’t quit that yet?” I turned to her with a big’ol guilty smile on my face, with my index finger to my lips as I jokingly shushed her. I said, “Shhhh, don’t tell anyone”. Then vowed to stop. I never really thought about my hair twirling having a serious affect on anything, but it turns out it is harmful and kinda painful to me and creates more work for her.

This new perspective will have a stronger impact on my choice to say NO to the twirling.

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Tree in the Wind

I don’t how many of you have tried yoga, but I’ve been dabbling with yoga for probably five years or so, give or take a little. When I say dabbling with yoga, I mean following different yoga classes on several different work out dvd series that we do at home. I haven’t really had any formal yoga training. Well, that’s not exactly true. My boss at work did provide a yoga instructor one day a week during our lunch for a period of time. I don’t remember how long it was, but it definitely was a novice level class.

Anyway, the reason I brought it up today is because Keri and I did a yoga work out today and I don’t know if it has anything to do with my Fred Flintstone toes or what, but my balancing poses are a total crack up. My balancing tree with hands in prayer DOES NOT exist. I can get in balancing tree but my tree is definitely enduring some kind of wind storm. I can’t even get my hands in prayer. Maybe that’s why it’s not working.

My hands are always waving in the breeze trying to assist with balance. I think my stubby little toes provide little support in a one legged balancing pose. Keri on the other hand has long grippy toes and she stands so still and poised in her balancing tree pose with her hands perfectly and peacefully pressed together in prayer.

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News Flash

New flash people: It, whatever “it” is, will always….yes I said ALWAYS, be in the very last place you look. You can’t find your keys? You look on the table by the front door. Nope. In your jacket pocket hanging in the closet? Nope. On the kitchen counter? Nope. How about on your dresser in the bedroom? YES!!! There they are. What do you know? They were in the very last place I looked.

Of course. Wouldn’t you be kinda crazy to keep looking for them once you found it? Just sayin’.

This actually is a case when you can say ALWAYS.

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The “More”

Just in case you were wondering, the answer is YES, there is more to that Don’t Frazzle my Dazzle story. There is always more to the story. This time, I think the “more” is important to share. So, why didn’t I share it in the original blog? To be completely honest the “more” to that story threw me for a loop yesterday and I was pretty well exhausted when I wrote the original version last night, BUT this morning, after a couple slight adjustments I am feeling a resurgence of dazzle.

I knew when I wrote that blog last night that I wanted to share the “more” because I led out with,”I think it’s important to share these experiences,….”, but I also knew I had to respect the space that I was in and honor my true self by holding back for the moment. I am so glad I waited to share that portion of the story, because I am in a much clearer space and I have some insight now that I didn’t have last night.

So, the rest of the story is that, as I was talking to one of my favorite patients, I actually told him that I was grateful to be spending that moment with him because I was anticipating the arrival of a person who I’ve had several negative encounters with in the past. Which is true and I won’t go into specifics because it doesn’t create good feelings in me to do so and I care enough about how I feel to leave it in the past.

HOLY COW!!!

Paradigm shift!!!

I just realized that as I am retelling this story I noted in the previous paragraph that I care enough about how I feel to leave the details in the past. However, it seems the retelling of this story reveals that I could care a little more, otherwise, I wouldn’t have carried those feelings from the past regarding the negative encounters person to my experience yesterday. So, why is it ok to write about it now?

The determining factor in all cases when you are retelling a story is how does it make you feel? Does it feel good? Does it make you feel alive? Does it feel icky? Does it insight anger as you retell it? If it feels good? Tell it! Talk about why it feels good. Really feel the good and more of those experiences will come to you. Same things goes for the icky and the angry, though too, when you retell it and really feel those feelings again more of “THAT” it will come to you. You have amazing magical powers, be sure you’re using them with intention.

Does it feel good to admit that I was judging a man for his past behaviors? No, not one of my prouder moments, but how do I feel telling you about it? I feel amazing because I learned something about myself. I learned that I am pretty good at having control of myself when I am dealing with myself. Being aware of controlling what I say and do and how it makes me feel. However, it seems more practice is in order when dealing with people and situations that are out of my control, which to be honest is MOST things, right? And ALL people.

Erase the past by letting it go. It doesn’t feel good to hold on to it anyway. Just let it go. Free up your hands to take ahold of the reins and harness that positive emotion to create a brighter tomorrow. I am a happy person. I am a spreader of love and joy. I have a strong desire to encounter people and for them to depart feeling better having seen me.

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