Monthly Archives: October 2013

Relive to tell, is it really worth it?

Reliving the details of an event or situation that caused frustration initially,…Does it serve you? That is the ultimate question.

If reliving it serves you, in a manner of assisting clarity to transcend the event or situation, then yes, relive it. Work it through. Process it and change your perspective on reality, but if reliving it only creates more frustration and feelings of dis ease, then for gods sake, stop it!

This is a good question that I will be asking myself in the future. Does this serve me? How am I going to benefit from the retelling of this situation that was so frustrating to me that just talking about it gets me really upset again?

If we find ourselves retelling a story over and over again that created a great deal of stress in the first place we could use it as a reminder to, pause and evaluate for ourselves, is it really worth it?

Everything’s gonna be alright

You know that moment when you are right in the middle of a panic and you can’t feel your feet?

It’s sorta like your breathing gets to going so rapidly, the circulation to your extremities slows to a point of no feeling. You almost have this feeling that everything is going to be ok, if only this one thing would just work out.

I had this feeling a couple weeks ago at the grocery store. I had recently gotten a new wallet for my purse, so I had reorganized everything in a way that seemed to make sense at the time, but once I was standing in the check out line all that sense went right out the window.

I was frantically looking for my debit card to pay for my groceries and I KNEW that it was in there somewhere, I just could not find it. The panic feeling was not helping me find it, so I took a few deep breaths and told myself, it will be just fine. You know your debit card is in here somewhere. The deep breaths helped me feel my feet again and what do you know I was able to find my debit card.

It was in a place that seemed totally logical. What do you know? I’m not crazy after all. The cashier was totally identifying with me and she was the one that mentioned the feeling of not bring able to feel her feet. It was spot on and as soon as she said that my awareness shifted and that is when I started taking the deep breaths and I calmed down.

It’s amazing sometimes how the very simple words of one person can have such a profound affect on someone else and that concept right there is the main reason why I write this blog.

I want people to be aware that they have the power to change their lives. I want people to know that they can choose a more peaceful life. I want people to feel all the love there is to feel around them and more importantly within them. I want people to feel empowered. Don’t get me wrong I benefit a great deal from all the writing and introspective work I do for this blog. This blog provides for me a huge sense of empowerment. All the things I write about are really a higher wisdom in myself that I allow to flow through me and I am learning as I am writing. In fact, I am a subscriber to my own blog.

When I write about something, the post usually goes out a few days later and sometimes even as much as a couple weeks later. So, time passes and with experience even just a couple of days worth of experiences my perspective changes. When I get up in the morning, the very first thing I do is, I read my blog. I surprise myself sometimes. I wonder where the hell did that clarity come from and I guess the answer is, from a higher wisdom.

A wisdom that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything is going to be ok, even if for a moment I can’t feel my feet. It will all be ok.

Group activity, anyone?

It’s a pretty good indication to me that it’s time to write when I wake up around dark thirty and I roll over on my side, then on my back, then my other side and then on to my stomach. That’s just about the time that I decide to give up on sleep because all that tossing and turning has stirred up ideas of things to write about and at that point my brain won’t settle. So, regardless of the ridiculousness of the hour, I roll over one more time and reach for my blogging implement.

The idea that won’t settle this morning is based on a memory I had yesterday and I can’t remember now what triggered this memory, but I was reflecting back on a time when I was trying to come to terms with my confusing feelings about my sexual preferences. It’s interesting to me the events that occurred that opened me up to accepting myself.

I was 22 years old and married to my second husband. I was trying like hell to be straight. Maybe one more husband would straighten me right out. Yeah right, well, it never was that conscious of a decision. It was more like,…honestly, I don’t really know what it was like. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. When I was presented with the option to marry I just said yes, not thinking about if I really wanted to marry this man or not. I cried at this wedding the same way I did at my first. Somewhere inside me I knew it wasn’t right.

I was very unhappy in that relationship. Things were not going well. He was an alcoholic and his employment was spotty. He was cheating on me. He was miserable and so was I. I spent as many hours as possible with our son away from the house. We had totally different schedules as he worked the night shift and slept all day. It was a volatile situation.

I was desperate for a way out. I felt powerless. His communication style was aggressive, manipulative and belittling. I remember feeling about two feet tall. I resented the FUCK OUT OF HIM and myself. I used to be so frustrated and upset at the whole situation that I would look at myself in the mirror give myself a hateful angry growl as I clenched my fists and shook with rage. To be completely honest, the only thing keeping me alive at that time in my life was my sweet little baby boy. I actually thought, if I kill myself, who would that leave to raise my son? I was going to have to figure something out.

Then something happened that would change my life forever. I was approached to participate in a group activity that could provide an opportunity for me to explore my attraction to women. If you can imagine this, please consider that it literally took me about fifteen minutes just to write that last sentence. No. I’m not kidding. Nervous much? Yes!!!

It’s ok, I can be nervous and still proceed. There is a strong and confident part of me that feels it is important to share this and I will tap into that confidence to continue writing.

I said yes to participating in that group activity and the arrangements were made. As I nervously waited for the time to arrive, I had a total change of heart. No, no, no, I don’t want to do this and I decided I would ignore the knock on the door. I would just pretend that I was sleeping and I didn’t hear the knock. I somehow convinced myself that was going to work. Yep! I’ll just sleep right through it.

Knock! Knock! Knock! Wrong! I shot straight up out of bed like a rocket. My heart was racing and there was no way in hell I could ignore it. Little did I know that the moment I opened the door to this experience, that I would be opening the door to the path that would lead me to myself.

I had my first sexual experience with a woman and it was so many things. Confusing, exciting, liberating and terrifying. I loved the way it made me feel like, hey this is who I am. I hated the way it made me feel like, oh my god what the hell is wrong with me.

I decided there was something wrong with me. Being attracted to women for a woman was wrong and I had no evidence to show that it could be anything else, but wrong. In an effort to try and help me process my feelings I joined a 12 step group called Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).

The definition of sobriety was very strict. One was considered sexually sober only when the sex they were having was with their spouse of the opposite gender. Masturbation was even excluded. It was very oppressive. After months of attendance, I decided that was ridiculous. I am certain this group has helped many people with their lives, but it just wasn’t for me. I looked into another program very similar, but radically different in that each person wrote their own definition of sobriety. Those Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings helped me to realize that I wasn’t actually addicted to sex and that the feelings I was having were COMPLETELY normal and natural because I am a lesbian. Whew! What a relief. Big huge sigh of relief. After 23 years of wrestling with the reality that I was different, I finally came to terms with different is not wrong. Different is just different.

Acceptance of myself, as a lesbian, gave me the confidence to divorce that jack ass and move on. It only took me two years of allowing my true self to BE, as a gay person, to allow the love of my life to arrive. 🙂

This morning after I began writing this post I rolled over one more time and cuddled up to Keri. I scratched her back and her head and laid there in complete happiness loving on my baby, because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that these sweet feelings of love that we share are completely natural. It is my sincere heartfelt wish that I every single person alive can grow up having feelings of certainty that love is love, and there ain’t a damn thing wrong with that.

Yes, it’s true,…

Being a “Pen Freak”, yes, I’m an admitted pen freak, the one thing I miss about writing this blog, is the feeling of a good pen in my hand gliding across a blank page. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE WRITING THIS BLOG!!!! I really do!!! But I do miss the smell of ink and the feel of a good medium ball point on a semi-thick stack of good paper. I love the feel of a fountain pen on good cotton paper. In either case, I love the way the paper curls up once I have filled it up with my words of passion. I love the way passion filled paper feels in my hands, as I tap several pages together on the table to straighten them up. If you know this feeling, you are probably a pen freak too.

You know who you are, you find a way to walk down the pen isle at the grocery store, you know right where a “good” paper store is, you claim pens as your own the second you write with them, you write with the pen, if you can, before you buy it, you probably have enough pens to last you two or three lifetimes and you still are on the look out for a good pen, you respect ownership of a good pen and you NEVER just walk off with one you like, BUT you are willing to ask if you can have it. Yes, I know you. You are me.

I have certain pens for certain things. Wow!!! Am I really sharing these details? Yes! Yes, I am. These are the details that make me who I am and if I keep them hidden, then how will I know that I am loved for my WHOLE self? It can be kinda scary, because it feels bare and vulnerable to put your whole self out there. Ok, maybe not this particular detail, but there are details that trigger doubt. What if I’m rejected? Well, fuck it!!! Who wants to be only a little bit themselves? I want to be my whole true self!!!!

Does that mean I have to expose my whole true self? Well, no! UNLESS, my whole true self includes being an exhibitionist. Some things ARE private, but I think it’s safe to put it out there that I have a certain type of pen I like to use when I write on post cards to send to my mom. I have a different kind of pen I like to use when I write in my journal, and when I write a check, a different one. Yes, I still write checks, not very much, but I do.

One thing about being a pen freak is I think it’s important to keep the art of actual letter writing alive. I love to send cards and letters. I have a ritual that includes placing a wax seal on the outside of the envelope. It makes it feel special to me. Receiving a handwritten letter in the mail these days is a rarity and then to flip over the envelope to open it and find a wax seal,…WOW!!! I hope that when anyone receives something like that from me that they feel special, because that is exactly what I am intending.

I guess it’s kinda cool in a way to be a pen freak. A pen freak cares. This is who I am and I will proudly stand here with my freak flag flapping in the breeze to let it be known across the land that #1- I am a pen freak and #2 – I care! Not necessarily in that order.

Do you fly your freak flag? I know you have one, everybody does.

Oh, that’s why you liked Tootsie so much,…

Jessica Lange, I do believe you were my first movie star crush. I was probably seven years old when my older cousins wanted to go see the movie King Kong, starring, none other than the beautiful, Jessica Lange and that dork Jeff Bridges. No offense Jeff, but this is my seven year old self talking here. We went to the one theater in downtown Ada, Oklahoma. It was a veritable metropolis with its one main street coursing through town.

I had my popcorn and soda in hand and watching the big screen in front of me I found myself having these feelings I never really had before. I was totally entranced when the scene came on where King Kong was blowing Jessica Lange dry after he had held her in his hand under a water fall. Her beautiful blonde hair was blowing back as she closed her eyes and allowed his warm gentle breath to dry her body. Damn!!! That’s a pretty vivid memory. Apparently, she made an impression on me.

I can still remember how heart broken I felt as Jessica cried her eyes out at the end when King Kong was shot down from the high rise building. I just wanted to hold her and comfort her. There there, Jessica Lange.

My next exposure to Jessica was in the early eighties when the movie Tootsie came out. What better character to identify with for me than Dorothy Michaels? Dustin Hoffman played Michael Dorsey, an out of work, struggling actor who gets the bright idea to go dressed in drag to an audition for a female character on a soap opera. He names the female version of himself, Dorothy Michaels.

Much to his and everyone else’s surprise he gets the part. Dorothy plays a hospital administrator in the facility in which Nurse Julie Charles (Jessica) works. They work together and develop a friendship, that quickly turns into a romantic interest for Dorothy, which is actually Michael. You see how this could really appeal to a very confused young gay girl, who didn’t even know what gay was yet. I identified with Dorothy’s character on so many levels.

First of all, I was already in love with Jessica and second of all Dorothy was falling in love with Julie, and a seemingly impossible relationship, actually a completely impossible relationship, develops. Have you, as a gay woman ever tried dating a straight girl? It never works out. Well, there are the rare exceptions.

My favorite scene was when Dorothy and Julie were making a cake. Julie was completely clueless to the feelings that were growing in Dorothy’s heart. Julie dips her finger into the cake batter and gives Dorothy a taste, right off her finger, all in slow motion. OMG!!! Her dress was flowing as she twirls around the kitchen.

I probably watched that one scene a million times.

Every time I talk about these type of experiences, Keri jokingly says, “and you didn’t know you were gay,…?”
The thing is, is back then I had no concept, what so ever of what gay meant or even that the word existed. Like I’ve said before, there were no gay role models then, at least in my realm of awareness.

I am happy to report that it all worked out and I have never been more happy in my life. I am still learning about myself and growing more and more happy as each day passes. I can honestly say that each day brings me closer and closer to my true self.

Reach out and grab it!!!

Sometimes you just have to reach out and grab it and claim it as your own. Set aside all the responsibilities and stresses of the day and enjoy that quiet moment you want with yourself on a perfect sunny afternoon. Even if it isn’t sunny, you can close your eyes and pretend. Your mind is a very powerful tool. We just need to realize that we have control of our minds. We can stop crazy obsessive thoughts because we have the power to be in control. We just forget sometimes. It takes practice, but it is so worth it.

There is time for a moment or two of perfect peace. It can be so refreshing to put all the worries, stresses and concerns of the day aside for a simple little moment of peace. We live such hurried, gotta get this done, gotta get that done, lives that sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking we don’t have time for peace, but if we would just try it for a moment and truly LET IT ALL go, we would probably be amazed what a sense of relief that one or two minutes of peace could provide.

A small sense of relief, just a tiny little shift in awareness can change your whole outlook on life, if only for a brief time. You can always take another moment and reconnect yourself to that sense of relief.

Imagine for a moment that you’re going through your day and you experience a few stressful situations that kinda get your blood boiling a bit. This time instead of pushing it down and pushing through, you actually take time to pause. You give yourself a moment to process and come to terms with the source of the stress or get yourself to a place where you can let it go. Imagine how much better you might be able to handle the next thing or even better the next thing doesn’t bug you as much.

Try it! The next time something bothers you, before you let your mind carry you off on some wild ride of possibilities take a moment to yourself and say, “I am going to take a deep breath. With this deep breath I will take a pause. With this pause I will create relief” and notice the sense of peace that fills your body.

Be patient with yourself. If this is a new concept for you, it is possible that you won’t be a pro at it the first time you try. Treat yourself with kindness and try again. There is no need to pressure yourself.

It’s nice to know what you like

The very best time to go to the grocery store is a Friday morning at about 7:15. Why? Well, there are less people which equals less stress for the people that work there and that equals more smiles and more assistance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the people at the grocery store are otherwise grouchy and unavailable, I’m just saying they are less stressed and seem happier in the early morning. Maybe it’s me though, maybe I am happier earlier in the morning and it affects my perception. Either way, I don’t really care. I just like it when there are less people at the grocery store, it makes for a much easier shopping trip. Plus, the ratio of customers to employees puts you at an advantage when you need help.

I really enjoy knowing what I like.

Technical difficulties

Hello my lovely subscribers- I just wanted to let you all know that I am aware that my WordPress blog has been acting up a little,… I have had a little talk with my baby blog and my blog master and we will be conducting some tests to see if we can isolate the problem. I apologize for the blast of posts as well as the reposting of some of those blast posts.

If you notice anything out of the ordinary, please let me know through comments so we can compile a group of issue to take to WordPress all at once.

Please be patient while we try to trouble shoot the issue and continue to feel special as you, the subscribers, are getting a sneak peek at what the upcoming posts will be.

If you are reading this and you’re not a subscriber, and would like a sneak peek during this rare error phase of Apozitude, sign up now before we figure out what’s going on. 🙂

We gotta spin it towards the positive, right? I mean, that’s just my way. 😉

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Confirmed! She is a planner.

You should see the adorable look on my baby’s face when she is watching her birds. She has 3 sometimes 4 bird feeders on or very near our back deck. Keep in mind our back deck is all we have, no yard, just a 6X8 deck. So, 3-4 feeders is bordering on a lot, in my opinion. However, just to see this adorable look on her face I would have twice the feeders out there. Just kidding,… 3-4 feeders do the trick just fine.

She loves to see all the different kinds of birds eating the seed and suet cakes she puts out. She puts out fresh water in the bird bath and talks to the birds to let them know it is safe for them to approach. She loves the chickadees and the bush tits. We get flickers, scrub jays, stellar jays, mourning doves, finches, juncos, woodpeckers, sparrows, humming birds, chickadees and bush tits. Oh yeah, and we get a shit ton of squirrels too.

The glimmer of light that flashes in her eye when she is watching them is so cute. I don’t even have words to describe how my heart swells when I see the joy on her face to be taking care of the birds. You know you truly love someone when watching them enjoy something this simple fills you up with an overwhelming sense of fulfillment.

Keri started “birding” several years ago in an attempt to establish a hobby for her retirement years and her maternal grandparents were birders. If this doesn’t give you insight as to what kind of planner Keri is, I’m not sure what will. She’s been birding for 10-11 years, she is just now 43. I think her retirement hobby is pretty well established.

By the way, I was supposed to learn about trees, so we could walk and look at birds and tress. Oops!!! I guess I’ll just work on my blog. 🙂