Monthly Archives: November 2013

On my way here

I feel so empowered and confident when I am belting out the words of the song, On My Way Here, by Clay Aiken. It is such a powerful song for me. I literally listen to it every single day. In fact, I am listening to it on repeat right now as I am writing this blog post.

I feel like I can do anything when I am listening to the words, on my way here, where I am now, I’ve learned to fly, I have to want to leave the ground, I’ve fallen hard, but I’ve been loved, and in the end it all works out, my faith has conquered fear, on my way here.

It feels so amazing to feel the power of pure confidence and this song gives me that feeling. When I hear this song, I always imagine myself walking out on to a stage and I begin to give an inspirational talk with the words, I’ve seen the best and I’ve seen the worst, and I wouldn’t change what I’ve been through. I’ve touched the sky, I’ve hit the wall, but I did what I had to, on my way here.

As I look out over a crowd of people I see that they are excited to be here, in my audience. Some have traveled a bit to be here and some are lucky enough to live in the city in which I am speaking. In either case, they all have their notebooks out, eager to write down whatever it is that strikes them as a little nugget of wisdom that has totally shifted their paradigm. It’s that one thing that I am able to say in just the right way that sinks in this time. It seems very familiar, because they have heard something like it before, but just the right Apozitude version of it really makes sense and changes their perspective on life. Sometimes it’s a small little shift that people will feel and other times it changes someone’s life forever, in a way they never even knew was possible.

I have been to conferences that changed my perspective and then ultimately changed my life. I love the feeling of being alive and living in the moment. That is what Apozitude is about for me. Being right here, right now, and feeling the power of total awareness. I am aware that I can make a difference in my life by focusing on the positive. I am aware that awakening other people to this concept is my passion and that is the reason I. Am. Here!!! You are reading this blog post right now, so welcome to the launching pad of a little rocket called Apozitude. We are ready for take off.

I truly believe that in the end it all works out. I believe this dream of mine is becoming my reality and it just may start with you. If you know someone that would like to have an inspiration speaker for an upcoming event, let me know. I’d love the opportunity to speak publicly.

Attitude of gratitude

I have been sitting here trying to write about being Thankful in honor of Thanksgiving day and I have started many times and rewrote and rewrote, because it just didn’t seem quite right. I wanted to write something that would reflect the things that have happened in my life over the last year or more, but I couldn’t decide what should be mentioned first. I didn’t want for one of the things I was thankful for to seem more appreciated by being mentioned first, but how could I list all the things I was grateful for, all at one time, so that one would not seem more important than the next.

Wait a minute,…

I just heard a little voice say, the things you appreciate don’t care how you list them, they are not attached to your perception of them. Acceptance does not care if you list it after progress and love does not care if you list it after growth.

That being said, I just want to express my gratitude for all of my family and friends. I am a people person.

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all my peeps!!!

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Pain to who?

Keri has been making some really amazing dinners lately. She made a delicious Griddled polenta with caramelized onions, goat cheese and honey. I had to eat that one very very slowly with my eyes closed, because it was just that yummy. Then she made a pasta dish that had an olive oil and garlic base with breadcrumbs and kale. Damn woman! You make yummy food. It feels like I’m at a fancy restaurant right at our very own dinner table. It’s such a wonderful treat to come home to the love of my live making yummy food and to top it all off she has a record playing on the record player. Sa-weet!!!!

Someone told her about this website called food52. I am very grateful that she takes the time to find new recipes and yummy healthy things for us to eat. So, I try to be as helpful as possible when we go to the grocery store in search of items for the new recipes. It’s kind of exciting, because I know it’s going to be delicious.

One thing Keri is planning to make this next week is Sautéed Kale, Roasted Sweet Potato and Poached Egg Holiday Toast. So, we’re going down the list checking things off and she says, Now I need to find this pain de mie. Neither of us knew what it was or how to pronounce it, so we were saying it, pain to me, basically. I asked Keri what it was and she said it was some kind of bread. So, we headed off in different directions. She was off to finish the list and I went to the bakery to ask if they had any this pain de mie.

The gal behind the counter, slicing up a big pan of what looked like some yummy sweet rolls, began asking me about it. Is is a holiday bread? I don’t know, it’s spelled p-a-i-n, d-e, m-i-e. Then she asked, is it a sweet bread? I don’t know. Is it a gluten-free bread? I’m thinking, listen lady I don’t know what the fuck it is. You’re the baker! I am asking you!! However, as calmly as I can, I say, the only thing I know is, that it is a bread and how to spell it. She clearly had no clue and there were about 4-5 other people in the area where she was working. I kinda thought she might ask one of her co-workers, but instead she directed me to the packaged bread area, told me where the bread was in the frozen food area and where I could find the pastry department.

As I was walking away, I slipped my hands in my jacket pockets and looked briefly at the packed bread. With my hands in pockets it occurred to me that I had my phone with me. Shit! I’ll just google it. Duh!

Google, what is pain de mie? Pain de mie? Oh, that’s easy. Pain de mie is essentially French for a loaf of sliced bread. Oh geez!!! Really? I had to smile to myself as I began my search for Keri. I went down to the dairy department where she was just leaving and headed to the produce section. I just about got to the produce as she seemed to be leaving it. I hollered out, “Hey, Burnidge!” She stopped and spun around, I’ve been trying to catch up to you since the dairy isle. She said, well,…did you find the pain de mie?

I held up my phone and showed her the google results as I was saying, turns out pain de mie is French for a loaf of sliced bread. Keri’s response- What?!? Well, that’s douchey!!! Why didn’t they just say sliced bread? That IS a pain d’me!!!!

We had a pretty good laugh!!! It’s turned into a buzz phrase around our house. Hey! Quit being a pain de mie!

Note: if you are trying out some new recipes and are unsure of the ingredients, google them before you go to the store or at least before you send your loving, helpful wife to find it.

Btw, I went back to the bakery lady and showed her the google results as well, just in case some other clueless soul inquired about the curious recipe item, pain de mie, and we had a pretty good laugh as well.

I’ll share another story some other time about Keri sending me to the meat department.

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Off the hook

Nothing like a blast of loud music to shock the shit right out of you! It happens just about every time I put my ear buds in to write.

Oh man, I just did a focus wheel on being in alignment and being in the vortex and it brought up a lot of feelings from the past and I know I have written about this before because it feels so familiar, this awareness. It goes back to feeling responsible for other people’s happiness and I love the contrast of that because the freedom I feel when I realize again that I am not responsible for anyone else but me, it is so wonderful. I love knowing that I am only responsible for my own happiness, my own alignment, my own, my own, my own.

I am so glad I raised my son, Garrison, with the teaching that, this is your life and you can live it your own way, and what he does with that teaching is his own business. My lesson is acceptance.

This IS my life and I WILL live it my own way. I will do what I want in my life, because I am the one that chose to be here. I am the one that decided to take the risk. I am the one with bugs in my teeth when I stick my head out the window and feel the zest of being alive with wind blowing in my hair and the skin on my face is vibrating because we’re going so fast. I am the one that gets the rewards of living my life my way. I am responsible for my alignment, not yours, not hers, not his, not theirs, not anyone but me!! Just me and my alignment. I am blissfully happy with my responsibility to myself and my alignment.

I can dance and sing and play and swim in the warm ocean water. I can sleep peacefully in the sun, relax on a massage table and I can eat whatever I want. I can wear whatever I want. I can laugh and smile and I can be at ease and feel such a sense of relief that I am off the hook and no longer responsible for anyone else but me.

When feelings of negativity or resistance come up and alert me that I am trying to take responsibility for some one else, I will take a deep breath and pause. In that pause I will be reminded that I am only responsible for me. Other people can work their own shit out. I have my own shit to work out and I am putting in the effort to do so. I know it takes effort and focusing on the positive. I positively love my life and the wonderful opportunities I have to practice on my lessons. I can take my time and think about what I want.

In the past I have been quick to decide things because I was trying to guess what someone else might want me to decide, but now I know to stay true to myself and make decisions based on what I want. I can take my time to see how I truly feel about the decision before I speak. I give myself permission to take my time. Take my time to make the decision that feels best to me.

I am allowed to make the decision for myself that matches my desire. I am responsible for my alignment and you are responsible for yours, not anyone else’s.

Do what makes you happy and let them make decisions for themselves that make them happy. Nothing I decide for myself makes anyone else truly happy anyway, so why not make myself happy? I am worthy of happiness! True happiness!!!

Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the practice. Be easy about it. Be a patient teacher with yourself. Mistakes happen. We are all out here doing our best with what we’ve got, reaching for better, feeling better and getting better!

Come on in, the water is fine

Once I dipped my toe in the girl water, I discovered it was kinda like walking into the ocean for two reasons: 1. it takes a little bit of time to get used to the way it makes you feel different and 2. like I said before the girl water is very vast, much like the ocean.

Once you adjust to the way you feel in the ocean, the temperature difference, the feeling of buoyancy and trusting that it is safe to swim and play, you can relax and have fun and the same goes for getting a little bit more girlie. It does make me feel different, I can’t quite put my finger on it,…..wait a minute, that’s not entirely true. I can put my finger on it , but it’s just that I am still getting used to it. So, here it goes, I like the way I feel pretty. It feels kinda silly, to say and to be a little embarrassed about it, but I do like it. The feel of longer hair, the feel of being fit and looking cute. I’m not sure why it makes me tear up a little to realize these things about myself, but it has been a very emotional discovery.

I’ve been looking on Pinterest and Amazon to get ideas about what style I like and it is sometimes very exciting and sometimes very overwhelming. There are so many different ways to be girlie, it really blows my mind. I guess I just need to trust that it is safe to swim and play, so I can relax and have fun.

That’s really what it’s all about any way, right? YES!!!

You’re the next contestant,…

I’m surprisingly finding myself feeling a slight bit of nervousness when I begin talking about Keri to someone I don’t know very well. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt this slight uneasiness.

The feeling would crop up in my mid to late twenties when I would talk about her and wonder if someone was going to ask me if we were “more than roommates”. There was a time, back in Oklahoma, when I was asked by an employer to refer to her as my boyfriend and was even asked to change her name. I referred to her as Ken, once or twice and decided I’d rather not talk about my personal life than lie about it. It was heart breaking.

The next step was moving to Portland. I can recall a time when Garrison and I were talking to one of his classmates parents and he referred to Keri as my roommate and her generous response was, In Oregon we would call Keri your moms partner. It felt so amazing to have that acceptance. I can remember doing cartwheels, back flips and jumping up and down, like I had just won on the Price is Right, it was only in my mind, but the smile on my face was very real.price-is-right-660-grab-winner2-630x354

I have been comfortably referring to Keri as my partner for the last 14 years. Although I can also remember in the last 14 years hearing straight couples referring to themselves as each other’s partners and it kinda rubbed me the wrong way. I felt like, what the fuck? You two can get married and be each other’s spouses, but because of whatever reason you don’t want to get married you are imposing yourselves onto the only terminology we can use to make our relationship more committed than girlfriends. Maybe it seems kinda childish and petty, but you can fucking get married you hose head!!! If you’re not married and you are a man and a woman in a committed relationship, then you are boyfriend and girlfriend, not partners!

That is my anger and frustration talking. Honestly, the true loving aspect of myself doesn’t give a shit what people call themselves. I want people to be happy. I want people to be treated equal. The last sentence of the previous paragraph felt very icky and wrong, just like it’s wrong for anyone to say that marriage is only for a man and a woman!

I guess the uncertainty of others opinions is why that nervous uneasiness is starting to crop up again. I have started talking about Keri in the last week since we got married and have felt a pause. My,…(breath gets stuck in my throat as my mouth begins to say partner and then I find the courage to say) wife, Keri and I,….
I am so happy and proud to be married to my wife in a state that won’t yet allow it that there’s not a chance in hell I’m not going to take every damn chance I get to call her my wife. It is very emotional!!! I was just about to apologize for writing about it so much, but then I decided Fuck it!!! I’ve wanted to marry this woman for 18 years and I’ve only been married one week today, so if you don’t like it, then don’t read it! I am in love with my wife and I want the whole world to know!!!!

I am an instrument

I have to give credit for this post to Abraham-Hicks, but it’s too good not to share.

“Your thoughts change the behavior of everyone and everything who has anything to do with you. For your thoughts absolutely equal your point of attraction, and the better you feel, the more everything and everyone around you improves. In the moment that you find an improved feeling, conditions and circumstances change to match your feeling. . . .

Playing the Which Thought Feels Better? Game will help you begin to realize the power that your own thoughts have to influence everything around you.”

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Yes, I am posting this from my bubble bath. 🙂

Sometimes when I think about this concept my “thinking brain” doubts that it’s true, however my “knowing brain” doesn’t even comprehend the concept of doubt, that’s because my thinking brain is attached to the human aspect of myself and my knowing brain is attached to the spiritual aspect of myself.

Hmmm, let’s see do I trust the knowing? Uh, yeah! I think I do. I mean, Yes! I do trust the knowing.

Teach or fish, you decide

It can be so hard sometimes to see that the help we are giving someone is not really providing exactly what that person needs. Yes, they may need to get somewhere to do something that is in their best interest, but making it happen and taking them there just might not be serving their highest good.

It is like the difference between providing fish or providing fishing lessons. Yes, teaching someone to fish is harder and takes longer. It can be very difficult to watch too, as someone you love struggles with baiting the hook and pulling in an empty line time after time. It is especially hard when it would be so much easier to do it yourself, BUT if we actually practice patience and stick it out, we only have to teach them to fish one time. If we loose our patience in the moment and just do it for them, we will be doubling our work load for the rest of our lives. Fishing for ourselves and fishing for them.

Then we get pissed because they are doing exactly what we taught them to do, depend on us, when really, the person we should be upset with is ourselves. I am
not saying that dependence is a bad thing. No! Not at all. I’m just suggesting maybe consider a healthy balance. You need you too, so think about saving a little of yourself for you. It will begin to feel amazing.

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Puppy love, puppy respect

I am a person that keeps my word. Keri and I made an agreement with our golden retriever, Waffles, that we will always honor.

The agreement that we made with him is, that we understand he is an “only dog” and we will always keep it that way for him. He just turned 11 in July (approximately 66) and we would never want to mess with his golden years.

A couple months ago we went to the local farmers market to pick up a few things. As we walked to the market, we stumbled upon a group of people standing around a canopy tent with about 4 or 5 of the most adorable little puppies you have ever seen.

All of them, different breeds. They were so cute, we had to stop and love on them. We met a Frenchie, a Corgi, a Weinner dog and I believe there were a couple more that I don’t really remember because I was busy falling in love with Nemo.

The sweetest little cuddle bunny of the group. He was the Frenchie puppy. As I was standing there chatting with the woman, morning coffee in one hand, petting Nemo with the other, the gal said, here hand me your coffee. Then she proceeded to hand Nemo over to me, as she was telling us about how snugly this guy was. Once he was in my arms, my heart just melted.

Before I knew it I was laying in the grass on my back with little Nemo sprawled out on my belly. He just camped out there like I was his momma. Sweetly nuzzling my chin and neck. Oh! What a lover that little Nemo was and I very easily could have scooped him right up and taken him home with me, but I knew that was not an option. There was no discussion what so ever between Keri and I. We knew Nemo was irresistible and he would have his forever home and we also knew we had our forever home puppy already.

That’s right Waffles Bear, you are our only puppy and we love and respect you enough to keep our word. You shall have the sweetest and most relaxing of golden years a handsome devil like you deserves. Mommies love you.

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