Monthly Archives: March 2014

Stretching my assertive muscles

It totally SUCKS to feel stuck. Believe me. I know. BUT the opposite of feeling stuck is feeling free and that feels totally and completely amazing. Sometimes we are so stuck we don’t even realize that the one that is trapping us in this feeling of being stuck is our own damn selves.

We are living our lives the way that we have figured out works best for us, with our current set of coping skills and then all of a sudden we bump into a barrier. We are so blinded by irrational fear, blame and inner turmoil (current coping skills) that we don’t even recognize ourselves standing right there in our own way.

Then one day we get SICK and TIRED of bumping into this damn barrier and we break down and cry wondering why our coping skills don’t work anymore. Well, I’m not sure why any one of us decides to trade in our old skills for new ones, but for me I discovered I was not happy carrying around the irrational fear, and I was exhausted from the mental gymnastics that only provided a veil of happiness. I truly wanted true deep genuine happiness and to get to that I had to look at myself.

I learned that for me, passive was putting everyone else’s feelings before mine which created a false sense of happiness and a sense of resentment which lead to being aggressive, putting my feelings above everyone else’s. I didn’t like that at all. That’s just not my style. But, wait!!!! There’s another option. Yes. It’s true.

Angel, I’d like to introduce you to a little thing called being assertive. Oh, Hi assertive let’s play and be friends. OK, I like the way that sounds. Assertive people take everyone’s feelings into consideration and weigh out all the information, coming to a mutual decision. What a sense of relief!!!!! What a sense of freedom!!!!

Look at me stretching my new assertive muscles. I feel like doing the Saturday night fever strut!


Begining to see

I am totally and completely in love with my wife. She has a tough thick set of armor and she can be a stubborn son-of-a-bitch sometimes, but when you get to know her and she trusts she can take off her protective armor she is the sweetest most caring and giving woman. She consistently surprises me.

Thank you Keri, for allowing me the time I needed to see this side of you and for being supportive as I develop and strengthen my sense of self.

Sometimes I feel I am seeing her with new eyes each day as we both grow, evolve and support each other changing into the best selves we can be for ourselves and each other. I am damn lucky to have her and I know it. I also know that she is just as lucky to have me.

Imagine me basking in the glow of self-confidence. It. feels. so. AMAZING. I can just see the teary eyed smiles of my friends that have been so supportive and instrumental in this process. Thank you for gently convincing me to step outside of my comfort zone (yes, the little push too) and for supporting me when I doubted myself. Thank you for helping me pick out clothes and for watching me awkwardly stumble through a few personal fashion shows in person AND via text. Thank you so much for being the kind of friends that have taken the time to realize that I wasn’t seeing the version of me that you were seeing and for helping me see the me you see.

Lucky, Lucky me to have such an amazing wife AND the best best friends a girl could ever dream of having.


Just say NO to the circus and say yes to elephants.

At home from work sick today and I managed to make myself even more sick. Although I feel much much better I found a documentary narrated by Lily Tomlin called An Apology to Elephants. I cried as I watched how baby elephants were taken from their families, knowing how family oriented these majestic creatures are it was utterly heartbreaking. The male elephants in a natural habitat stay with their mothers until they are about 14, however the female elephants stay with their mothers their entire lives. Unless they are stolen from their families and shipped to buyers for the circus and as long as people are buying tickets to the circus these and all the other animals will continue to be abused. I beg you to all to stop going to the circus.

I vow to NEVER attend a circus again. I can not believe the horrible tactics the trainers use to get these poor gentle giants to do the circus tricks. They should not be called trainers, they should be called abusers. They use bull hooks, ropes, chains, beatings and fear to get the elephants to those head stands, balancing tricks and all the other tricks they do in a circus setting. It breaks my heart to see such abuse.

The abuse, as you would imagine causes psychological damage to these gentle giants turning them into agressive confused tormented souls. On occasion when a “trainer” accidently drops their bull hook, the elephants see that as an opportunity. Once that weapon is on the ground the elephants have been known to attack and kill the “trainers”. I believe it’s a justified killing. Those “trainers” torture those poor elephants. Stabbing them in very sensitive areas to push them away or make them walk and using the hook end of the bull hook to pull them in the direction they want them to go.

It is not just the “training” that is so awful and abusive, it is also the conditions in which the elephants have to live in captivity. It is not living at all, merely existing when an elephant is chained in one place without the ability to socialize, lay down or walk around. In a natural environment, elephants must walk hundreds of miles sometimes to get food and water and that is what their bodies are made for, not standing chained in one place for 19-26 hours and even more when being transported from one location to another. Sometimes 60-100 hours. That is awful. Most of the time they are standing in their own urine and excrement for those hours causing horrible sores and disease of their feet.

What have I really learned from watching this documentary? Well, I’ll tell you, besides the fact that I don’t really want to go to the circus any more because I am horrified by the way animals are treated in that environment, I have also learned that I don’t really like the way I feel when I watch such horrible things. I wasn’t going to the circus anyway, but perhaps this blog will be read by someone that doesn’t know how horribly animals are treated in the circus and it will inspire them to forgo and future circus attendance. Before long the demand for such performances will diminish to the point that it won’t be profitable enough to have a circus anymore. I only hope that it happens before the elephants become extinct.



What is your life’s purpose???

pwha phwa phwa phwa

The sound of my favorite stout evacuating the growler and relocating to the pint glass. As I pour the delicious liquid, it slowly glides down the inside of the glass down and swirls into a yummy pool at the bottom, it slightly tints the glass with a dark chocolatey hue. Is the liquid excited to live out it’s purpose? Which in my perspective is to satisfy my taste,… Does the liquid care? If everything is made of energy and has an awareness,… Is the liquid aware that it exists to please my taste buds?

How many people wonder if their favorite beer is living or not? Furthermore, if by some bizarre fact that it does actually LIVE, how many are contemplating if the beer is pleased with its life by satisfying my taste?

Wait a minute,… Let’s look at this concept for a moment. Is my beer alive? What is beer? Beer is an alcoholic beverage that is made out of grains: wheat, barley and hops. Which are plants that are growing and living,…. I’m just sayin’,… Follow me here!!!

Ok, so the plants (wheat, barley and hops) used to create beer, do they lose their essence when they transition from living plant into ingredients? Some part of their living time has to retained within them as they transition to the form that is used to create beer, which is what they currently are,… Right?

So, as a seed grows onto a plant and a plant grows into a blossom, fruit or vegetable,…so does a grain that grows into a beer. It is that LIVING part of that being’s existence, that wants to achieve its purpose and to feel satisfied knowing as it is poured down my throat it’s dancing with my taste buds, and in doing so has totally and completely lived a life, satisfied.

Shit! I better finish this beer,… I don’t want to deny him of his life’s purpose.


Love is Love. Ain’t nuthin’ wrong with that

Equality is not that difficult of a concept to comprehend, yet with all the homophobia that is blasting the news, it seems I may be wrong. Why does anyone care if a boy in Arkansas shares his story in a yearbook? Why does anyone In Arizona care who they are serving breakfast to or who is a patron of their business? Why do the leaders of Russia give a damn? How can any one person claim that they KNOW God hates anyone?

I am so sick of close minded folks saying we need ban the discussion of gay rights and issues for the sake of protecting children. That is BULL SHIT!!!! That is exactly where conversations regarding gay rights and issues need to be discussed, so that all the gay little boys and girls that were simply BORN that way don’t feel so fucking confused and totally lost. We should be opening up our minds and our arms and hugging these poor children that have such a challenging time searching for acceptance. The message should be it is totally ok to love who you naturally love.

What is wrong with people that they have something against love?


Amazing realizations

I don’t know how other people see people, but what I see when I am looking at people is their essence. I don’t know exactly how or why I have this particular sensitivity, but I really love it. I can see lighthearted true joy reverberating out of someones soul. I can see the beauty in them that they often are too self conscious to let shine.

The down side, if you can imagine such a thing, is I can also see pain and anguish buried beneth a smile. I can feel other’s sadness and I have a sense of the effort they put into masking their sadness and inner torment. Though I love being able to see the beauty and essence of people, being able to see the other can be very heavy if I allow it to be. I have to be very careful not to take on the responsiblity of healing or rescuing. That has been very challenging for me in the past and a life long struggle to release.

I’d like to think that the amazing healing powers of human touch could take a bit of that pain and anguish away, even if only for a moment. I love to wrap my arms around someone and hold them in a warm loving embrace. I love giving life affirming hugs and to be able to feel people let go a little of the tightness they feel in their bodies from carring the burden of the world on their shoulders. I like to place my hand on the shoulder of someone that needs a little boost. I, so often, wish that I could take some of my good loving feelings and give injections or drape peope with a cloak of love and healing.

I guess if it were that easy and I could resolve all the problems of the world what would we do then? With out all the drama of heart break, hurt feelings, anger and resentment? OH! I KNOW!!!! We could have a big’ol happy World Party. I like the idea of a World Party rather than a World War. We could put all the money we would spend on military efforts and weapons and put it towards our World Party,….. Man!!! What a party that would be, eh? Dancing, laughing, sharing, hugging, laughing. Oh, I already said laughing. Oh well, there can never be too much laughing.

We, ALL, could be our true selves, simply allowing each other to be what ever we felt was best for ourselves and all the people would feel love and acceptance. What a wonderful image,… We all want to be loved and accepted and if we would just open our eyes we could see that there is plenty of love to go around.

Let’s all vow to take a moment the next time we feel upset, sad, rejected, angry or disappointed to take a look at all the people around us that love us and consider what they might be dealing with that may hinder them from meeting our expectations of who we “think” they should be and simply, let. that. go. Let go of our expectations of others. Let go of our hurt. Just let it all go and in that moment, take a look within ourselves. Maybe instead of holding someone else responsible for what THEY “did to us” we can raise ourselves up to BE the person we expect others to be, because the only thing we have control over anyway, is ourselves. Our actions and reactions, our ablity to hang on to somethig or let it go. This way the only person we have to blame or hold accountable for our let downs is oursleves,….. What an AMAZING and POWERFUL discovery!!!!

Absolutely everything we need is right there within us. Our essecene is plenty to meet all of our needs. Our essence comes from the Ultimate Creative Source and what more could we possibly need? Starting right here and starting right now, I relieve you ALL of the responsibilty to make me happy. I got this. And as a favor to myself I am also relieving myself of the responsibility to make you happy. Only YOU can make YOU happy and you can start right this very instant.

What are you waiting for????


What did one goose say to the other?

I took Waffles, our 11 year old golden retriever puppy, out this morning for a short walk to go potty and while we were out there my attention was drawn to some Canadian Geese flying over head. I noticed them them because I heard one of them honk. I assume one was honking at the other one as some form of communication, but I really don’t know. But as I watched them fly by I notice after about 7 or 8 flaps of their wings, one of them gave another single honk.

I wondered how can they communicate much variety of conversation with seemingly one word, HONK. How boring would that trip be if all you could say to each other was HONK? There must be little nuances that make each HONK a little different than another providing some variety, right?

All I can say is, HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK. Which is Canadian Goose for, I am grateful to be human.

Oh no!!! Not the F Bomb,….

Growth- whew! There is a very clear reason why there’s a thing called growing pains. It hurts sometimes when you realize all the mental gymnastics you’ve been preforming are #1 not neccesary #2 such a waste of time and #3 fucking exhausting.

Sometimes the biggest barrier on our path is our own damn self. I am a big proponent of searching under ever rock to find whatever it is you need to find health, happiness and peace. I am ready to be ready, but I’m not quite there yet. That’s the painful part. I know where I want to be and it hurts to stay where I am, but I haven’t figured out how to get where I wanna be.

Right now all I know is I am ready and though I don’t know HOW,………………. I DO know that I CAN get there from here. Here’s where the big F bomb comes into play.



What’s the purpose of it all anyway?

I am typing out this particular blog on my iPhone, the way I typed the first 5 months of my blog. All I have to say is, I must really love writing this blog, because this is a very slow and uncomfortable way of typing. One finger pecking away at a 1 X 1.5 inch (and for all you techies out there, a 215 x 320 pt) keyboard??? Really? I did this for 5 months??? I don’t even wanna do it for 5 more minutes!!!20140316-163004.jpg

I am totally spoiled by my iPad now. I love you iPad!!! So why am I pecking away with one finger on this teeny tiny keyboard when the luxurious 9×7 (approx.) keyboard of my iPad sits lonely and yearning for my tappy (that’s tapping and happy smooched together) fingers to ignite it’s life’s sole purpose? Well, if you must know, I’m blogging from my bath tub. That right, folks, I AM one of THOSE risk takers. Could I drop my phone into the tub??? Well, I guess I could,… BUT, I also could drop it while walking outside in the rain or into a puddle when I step out of my car,…

If I lived my life trying to protect myself from all of the “what if’s”, would I really be living? Me thinks, NOT!!!

I love my life and all of the delightful twists and turns the risks, chances and barriers provide. Life is for living and if you can’t blog from your bathtub, what’s the purpose of it all anyway???

My challenge to you today is to step outside of your comfort zone, take a chance and live all the awkward moments. You’ll be surprised at how it spurs growth and expansion.

Raise your hand if you’ve had a pretend crush

Forty five is young and I’m only 44. HA! It’s a fantastic age to be. I am in love with my life and NOT just because it rhymes, but also my wife. I’m just cheesy like that. Maybe I should call this blog Cheesitude,… No, I like Apozitude MUCH better.

One of the many reasons I love my life is directly related to this blog. I really am surprised how much I love writing, although I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve kept a journal of some sort all my life. The first journal that sticks in my mind is one I kept when I was 12. It had a red and green plaid fabric cover. Oh how I wish I still had that preteen drama love struck filled book, alas, I can distinctly recall throwing it in a dumpster long about 18 years old.

The only reason that particular journal sticks out in my mind is because of a single entry. I remember on my 13th birthday I wrote in red ink. I was wrought with so much conflict and unrequited love. Seventh grade is difficult for most people and I am not saying that my seventh grade experience was more difficult than others, but from my confused perspective it sure did seem like it. I was in love with one or two of my friends and both of them were, of course, interested in boys. One of them, in fact, had a crush on the boy that I was pretending to have a crush on to blend in and divert attention away from my true feelings towards my friends.

One night one of those friends (true crush) was spending the night at my house and the boy I was pretending to have a crush on called my house. He asked to speak to my friend and before they got off the phone they were going together. Talk about a broken heart. Pretend crush boy asks real crush girl and she says yes. 12-10-1982 – Broken hearted little confused gay girl writes in red on her 13th birthday how she doesn’t think she can go on living this painfully confusing life. I tried to think of ways to end my life and I even tried, but I just didn’t have quite enough torment to follow through. I had my coping mechanisms that helped me get through those tough times.

Luckily, my mom was willing and able to send me to counseling. I don’t remember sharing those suicidal feelings with my mom, but she paid very close attention to me and she had me in counseling at a very early age. I had people I could talk to, I have always known beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mom loved me and I had my writing.

So, I guess it’s pretty clear I wasn’t ever able to go through with any of those thoughts of ending it all and what the hell does all that downer stuff have to do with a blog called Apozitude???? Well, I’ll tell you. I spoke to a friend of mine today that has been following this blog and telling her friends about it. She told me today that one of my blogs was a life changer for her. A life changer. I’m not implying that she was having suicidal thoughts, I just mean that something I wrote changed her perspective and changed her life. That is pretty fucking awesome and that is just one of many reasons I love writing this blog. It brings tears of joy to my eyes and fills my heart with hope that writing my little stories can have such an affect on a person. It just takes a slight shift in the perspective of one person the change the world.

One person at a time, I intend to have a positive affect on the world and facilitate change that will create a better place to be. Starting with me and starting now.