The more I learn the less I care to speak.
The end of my 8th grade year was happy and painful. I stood with my classmates in the chapel of my school for our 8th grade graduation. I started Kindergarten at St. John’s Episcopal school in 1975. In 1984, I stood in the chapel I attended all the school days of my life, roasting in my white dress as the memories flooded my mind.
I was distracted and feeling anxious because #1- I could feel every fiber of that itchy dress rubbing against my freshly sun burnt skin and #2 – I really wanted my dad to be there.
The graduation party was the day before at a friends house. She had a pool and we swam and played in the pool all day. It was super fun, until I realized how sun burnt I was. OUCH!
My dad lived in Taos, New Mexico and he promised he was going to be there. I stood on the pulpit with my class mates, totally distracted from what Father Luttrell was talking about by my own thoughts and scanning the pews for my dad.
He was not there and I could feel my 14 year old heart sink in my chest.
But WAIT!!! My eyes widened as I spotted him walking in the back doors of the chapel. It was about half way through the graduation, but he showed! I was so happy to see him I think I cried.
The next few days brought some of the hardest decisions I ever faced in my short little life.
You see my dad did make it to my graduation and the way he managed to make it happen was he hitch hiked from Taos, New Mexico all the way to Oklahoma City. Yes, he walked straight into my graduation right off the highways.
A pretty tremendous expression of love and dedication to his little girl I would say as an adult looking back on it. Yes, I was happy to see him, but this was a big event in my life and for him to show up so disheveled from his days of hitch hiking was so embarrassing. My 14 year old self was consumed with what everyone else thought, I was filled with conflict.
Right away he expressed how much he really wanted me to go back to Taos with him for a summer visit. My stomach was in knots. I wondered how he planned to get me there and he clarified that he had made arrangements with some dude to give us a ride.
#1- I didn’t really want to go back with him because he had remarried and previous visits were kinda awful. His new wife had two little girls (one in diapers and the older one was maybe 4) who I was responsible for watching while they went to work. He didn’t plan any time for just the two of us. He was not the “fun summer dad” I had heard other kids talk about of their divorced parents. I understand now that he had a family to care for and taking additional time off was not really in his budget, but at the time it was not what I wanted to do. #2 – I certainly did not feel comfortable riding hundreds of miles with “some dude” to get to a place I didn’t really want to go to anyway.
I was crying and talking to my Grandma about it and she encouraged me to tell him the truth. So, I did and he was upset. He decided not to wait around for the dude he made arrangements with a few days away. He was going to hitch hike back. I felt horrible. I felt responsible. My older cousin said, “Well, we can at least take you as far as the Oklahoma border”.
So, the three of us loaded up in my cousins truck and headed west on I-40. Approximately 130 miles later, we pulled off to the shoulder and let him out. It broke my heart and still makes me cry to think about it.
I was happy to see my dad arrive and it was painful to watch him walk away.
This event definitely made an impression on me and ultimately affected my parenting style. I did everything in my power to instill the believe in my son that he was not responsible for my feelings.
Apozitude is the blog of one person, the reason I clarify this fact is because I looked up the term blog to be certain I knew what I was clarifying. dictionary.com defines blog as a website containing a writer’s or group of writer’s own experiences, observations, opinions, etc. So, I wanted to clarify that this particular blog and all of it’s contents are not written by a group. It is written by me, Angel Zamudio, based on my own experiences, observations and opinions.
Further down the page in dictionary.com the British definition of a blog reads: (informal) online journal and the Contemporary definition reads: an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on the web.
When I got together with my mentor and blog guru, Mike, to get Apozitude started he asked me all sorts of questions about how I wanted the blog to be set up. One of the main things I wanted was for the blog to be public, so anyone could read it and share it with others.
My intention with Apozitude has always been to focus on the events of my life and share how I believe having a positive attitude will directly result in having a positive affect on the outcome of my life situations. I have a lifetime of desire to have a positive affect on the people that cross my path. I’m not always very smooth or graceful, because my child like enthusiasm often triggers me to jump into action prior to giving a great deal of thought as to how my action will be received. I get so enthusiastic about positive events I sometimes awkwardly insert myself into situations that don’t really have room for me. I’m learning.
Another main thing I wanted for my blog was to have a comments section, so my readers can share their thoughts on any given blog. I appreciate all the feedback I’ve received and continue to welcome others thoughts feelings and perspectives.
The design of the Apozitude logo was created and hand drawn by me with the thought in mind that when we focus our thoughts in a positive direction it will lift our hearts to a higher level of love.
I’m sharing this with you because this is my attempt to start an Apozitude creed. Stay tuned as I continue the process of formulating the final creed and as always feedback is welcomed and encouraged.
Yeah, so one morning this week end Keri came home from a trip to the vet with Marbles to get his last puppy shot and suddenly says, “Ya’ know once this guy reaches sexual maturity we’re going to have to keep a very close watch on him.” I kinda laughed, partly because I was in my own little world with my writing and partially because of the level of seriousness in which she stated it.
After I chuckled, she looked at me like What? and asked, “Why’s that so funny? No off leash areas without a fence because he could get a whiff of a girl dog and take off running” I guess it struck me as funny because of how random it seemed to me and I have to admit I’m a bit of a child and she did say, “sexual”. Yes! I am that (third grader mentality) adult in every meeting you’ve ever attended.
Keri takes training Marbles very seriously and I do too because I know it’s important. I understand he’s in a very impressionable stage of his life, but from my perspective she is pretty consumed with it and she knows how she gets, so entrenched in it that it sometimes feels like that’s the only thing we talk about.
One time this weekend she suddenly said, “Oh, I have a good idea” and I was totally expecting some new tactic of handling some challenge we’ve been having with Marbles (which by the way have been very few and probably because she has been so diligent with his training) But she said, “Now that Marbles will be going to daycare we can workout on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. We can also try to squeeze one in on the weekend”
I smiled and shook my head. I chuckled a little to myself. She said, “I guess since you laughed, you don’t want to work out?” and with a smile on my face, I said, “No, I wanna work out. I just was totally expecting some “training Marbles” idea to pop out of your mouth”.
Just in case you don’t know Keri, let me tell you a little something about her. She’s a planner. It seems I’ve even written a blog about that very thing and titled it, Confirmed! She’s a Planner.
This morning while eating breakfast, Keri and I were listening to R&B Classics on Music Choice via Comcast TV. We were eating the yummy scramble Keri had made and lightly monitoring Marbles as his focus was on his chew treat.
All of a sudden the 70’s came wafting into the middle of our living room on a stream of silky smooth notes floating out of the string section of the intro to Barry White’s, Love’s Theme. Soon the rhythmic wah-wah of the guitar moved me to announce how much I love this song.
I told Keri, “If ever there was a movie made of my life, this song would be on the sound track.” Here’s the scene: No Dialogue. A white 75′ Camaro on a long stretch of high way just as the sun is setting. Picture my mom in the driver’s seat with her gold framed rose colored glasses and her Crystal Gayle hair do. Me? I’m sportin’ my Little Orphan Annie white girl fro my big tortoiseshell framed glasses and Love’s Theme is soulfully surrounding us as we drive down the highway. A gentle wind blows through our hair as we gently sway to the music. With out a word we look at each other and smile. My mom gives me that, “I love you baby girl” wink and we are having an awesome weekend.
It was such an awesome memory I had to call my mom and tell her. I played the song for her and she remembered it too. She was pleased to hear I had such fond memories of my youth. She knew we had some hard times and was grateful I was able to recall the good times we shared.
Sometimes I wonder about myself. I am not sure why I am the way that I am, but what I notice about myself, often, when I am interacting with people is that I am not a details person. I don’t, usually, ask a bunch of questions and when details are discussed I find that I don’t really absorb fine details. In fact, I find myself feeling merely tolerant when ornate descriptions are being shared.
It makes me wonder if I am a bad listener or a bad friend. I don’t feel like I am a bad friend or a bad listener, but I do find myself wondering that very thing about myself from time to time. I like to think that I am a good listener and am mindful of my focus when someone is conversing with me. I tend to focus more on a general feeling, rather than details.
I believe I’m not focused on some details because general well being is more of a priority to me. I’m not judging people for being focused on details and I’m certainly not claiming to be perfectly clear and focused. I definitely have my wavering moments, hours and days even. I do believe it’s very important to be focused on details in some circumstances, when the circumstances are positive and creating good feelings. I am trying to allow details of unwanted things float out of my awareness. I’m just wondering if my lack of attention to details when listening to others is perceived as lack of concern or care, because that certainly is not my intention.
Just as I was writing that last sentence, a quiet little divine voice whispered in my ear, It’s none of your business what other people think about you. That feels like complete freedom, to erase concern from our being about what other people think of us.
The challenge is balance.
The one and only person’s belief in you that creates the difference between dreaming about your passions and living them, is your own.
Three things happened in my life recently that made this a bit clearer for me. #1- I had a conversation with someone in my life who has a dream and is finding the realization of his dream to be just out of reach. He is sad and frustrated. He doesn’t see the amazing blessings he has in his life. He doesn’t seem to be enjoying his life and I tried to help him see, but it was very clear while we were talking that he was not ready to open his eyes. I found the conversation to be very frustrating.
#2 – I had a check in conversation with someone I know that is in the process of patenting and producing his own invention. He has investors and funding. He is flying high. He has no idea where this is going to take him, but the concept and expansion is rapid. It feels to me like this is “IT” for him. He was talking to me about how fast things are moving and how marketing and social media things are lining up for him. It felt very alive to me. I was very excited to see him in this leading edge moment of his process.
He said to me in the midst of conversation, “It’s moving so fast, I don’t even know what’s next”. I told him I believed he was on his true path, that this was “his thing” and even though it feels like he is traveling very fast on a dark road and he wasn’t really sure where the road was going, his headlights would always keep the road just ahead of him lit up enough to stay on the road. He doesn’t have to be able to see the end of the road to reach his destination. He only needs to be able to see what’s right in front of him.
It was a great conversation. He thanked me for my interest in his project. I was and remain grateful he was willing to share his process with me. I love being in the realm of someone living their passion. It’s such a cool thing.
#3 – I am in the realm of knowing that my dreams are coming true, even if others are only in the realm of hoping. The only belief that matters in making a difference between dreaming about my passion and living it, is mine. I am grateful for those who are hopeful. I really am and I am grateful for those who believe in me as well, but the truth remains it is my dedication to this dream and my belief that will transition it from a vortexual reality to a manifested reality.
Look out World! Apozitude is unleashed and on the rise.
I can remember a time in my life when it was time to sit down and start writing that if I didn’t have any ideas, I would feel a little frustration stirring inside of me. Keri just asked me if I was wanting to do some writing. Just for the record, I’m, just about always, wanting to do some writing.
The reason she asked was because it’s Saturday morning and Marbles is sleeping. This is a rare and precious moment in a new puppy owners life. Whew! Success is ours! We (mostly she) tired him out enough for us to have some time to ourselves. Keri is laying on the couch reading and I am in my chair writing.
Just now, when she asked me if I wanted to do some writing, that old fleeting thought ran across my mind like a whammy from that old T.V. game show, Press Your Luck. Do you remember that game show? OMG!!! The funniest thing happened at work this last week.
Some how and I have no idea how, but that game show came up and my best friend, Shanna, was imitating the sound of the Whammy coming up and she did this hilarious Egyptian walk, just like one of the little cartoon whammies did on the show. It was one of those silly moments between friends that when retold seems totally stupid and not very funny at all, but in the moment was so funny that we laughed until our tummies ached.
Shanna walked across the hall like an Egyptian repeating the sounds of the whammy 3 or 4 times and we just laughed our asses off. I love those hilariously silly moments in life. I don’t know how inspirational this blog will be to anyone, but what I do know is that it’s an excellent example of 2 things in my life that I personally truly appreciate. 1) Faith 2) Friendship
I, honestly, had no idea what I was going to write about when I sat down here this morning. In fact, the momentum of frustration was still purring inside me just a bit when my fingers started dancing across this keyboard, but my faith that the words would show up kept that frustration idle and parked at the curb as the creative side of me pulled away for a lovely sunny drive.
It doesn’t matter one bit, how stupid or silly the fun you have with your friends, looks to anyone else. The only thing that matters is that you are having fun and enjoying your time together. Laughing to the point of side stitches and cheek cramps, is some of the best stuff in a person’s life.
Who knew this blog would turn out to be about Faith and Friendship? Not me. It just goes to show, you never know where inspiration is going to take you. Simply trust and the path will be made clear.